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Statistically Contextualizing Kate Upton’s Sweet Dance Moves

Free beer.

Two greatest words in the English language.

Cube that and you get:

What's better than one Kate Upton? I sure as hell don't know. Or care.

All that matters is that three Kates are better than one and six is better than two. This miracle almost makes up for Vogue printing the outtakes from the "Bound 2" video.

The premise is simple. Kate is going to dance. According to her, she's going to dance because that's the only thing she knows how to do.

This here "War Mongering Kate Upton Blog" has accepted the thankless task of analyzing, dissecting, and cross-examining Kate's dancing repertoire in order to put them into context. Think VoxDotCom's contextualizing crossed with FiveThirtyEight's data analysis. But for the stuff you actually care about. Like twerking supermodels.

Context: Kate's trying to keep it chill, but her inner-rock star busts through her facade.

Seen: At public events where most supermodels keep it cool or mack with Michelle Rodriguez, Kate let's it all hang out.


Context: Most seen from people who are underplaying the fact that they can actually dance.

Seen: In between shoots where she has a crew of 15 all staring at her in case her top flies off. Awwwkweerrdd.


Context: On a dance floor with less-skilled two-steppers, it's essential for the dancer to project a goofy facade to portray things like "fun" and "disarming attractiveness." Two things Kate is an expert at.

Seen: While most supermodels would run right over us civilians, Kate has an air of approachability. Indeed, if you earn $200 million as a professional athlete you too could have a shot at sharing one charmed dance with her.


Context: A master dancer's secret move to distract you from her feet.

Seen: In "Bring It On"


Context: Kate Upton is fully operational booty-swerving battle station. She knows that. You know that.

Context: Like they say: a picture, or in this case, gifs…


… say a helluva a lot more than I ever can. I'll let Kate explain it to you herself.


As in any statistically contextual endeavor, however, you can massage the data to draw your own conclusions: