Obviously, Kate Upton Should be on #TheNew10

June 18, 2015

So, apparently, American legend Alexander Hamilton is losing his spot on the $10 because the Obama Administration believes we need to put a woman on some currency. I mean, what did Hamilton ever accomplish anyway?

Alexander Hamilton loved America. He labored for her, fought for her, wrote her laws, built her structures, and died a patriot. He arrived here as a penniless immigrant with nothing but his dedication, his mind, and the strength of his beliefs going for him, and he became one of the most significant Americans to ever live. Love his ideas or hate them, they made our nation what she is: they established our federalist system of government, secured our liberty, and transformed us into an economic power that was and is the envy of the world.

Alexander Hamilton was a bastard, but he was a righteous bastard. He loved his country. And the callow men who are demoting him on our currency today are not fit to lick his boots.

Personally, I think the whole thing is silly and another example of the Obama Administration stumbling into an easily avoided mistake. We should keep everyone happy by introducing a new piece of paper currency—say, a seven dollar bill—and slapping a woman's mug on it. That way everyone stays calm and no one gets butthurt.

But if we must put a woman on the $10 bill—and apparently we must, Because Progress—then I think we all know who it should be. A world renowned dancer,




and actress,

Kate Upton is a true triple threat and emblematic of the best America has to offer. Obviously, she deserves a place on some item of American currency. Why not the ten?


But, frankly, this doesn't go far enough. If we're monkeying around with the currency, why not make some real changes? Why settle for such a little portrait?


Not sure if this is her shade. We live in the future, dang it. Where's the full color version?


Boom. There it is. There's the future of our money.

Don't f—k this up, Obama Administration.

(As always, many thanks to Andrew Stiles for help with the Photoshopping.)