Last week, Norwegian fishermen encountered a beluga whale with a suspicious harness attached to its head. The harness, which appeared to have once held a small recording device, was marked "Equipment St. Petersburg," prompting many to conclude that the whale was part of a nefarious Russian espionage ring. Recent reports indicate the whale has opted to defect to Norway, and potentially to become a vital source of information for Western intelligence agencies.
Because Attorney General William Barr is too "chicken" to appear before committees in the House of Representatives, members of Congress must turn elsewhere for answers. The beluga whale must be extradited to the United States at once, and compelled to testify in Congress.
What did he know about the Russian campaign to influence the 2016 election, and when did he know it? How many aquatic assets does the Russian intelligence apparatus possess? Do the Russians have "kompromat" on special counsel Robert Mueller? What role did the whale play in facilitating communications between Roger Stone and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange (a former resident of Sweden, which is right next to Norway)? Has he ever accepted any remuneration, in the form of food and/or belly rubs, from Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska or any of his associates? Does he know the whereabouts of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370?
It's high time the American public learn the truth about Russian collusion and the crimes of the Trump administration. Congress must assert its constitutional authority to conduct oversight of the executive branch. House Democrats, in particular, must show President Donald J. Trump, and the American people, they mean business. Subpoena the goddamn whale.