The Democratic Party looks set to field an entire NFL team of presidential candidates vying to take on Donald Trump in 2020. One of the bests ways for these candidates to distinguish themselves in the eyes of Democratic primary voters will be to attack the concept of "privilege," and to highlight and/or blatantly embellish certain personal details in an effort to appear the least privileged, most down to earth, authentically cornpone candidate of the bunch.
These presidential hopefuls must be careful, however, because social media users, including some journalists, might decide to fact-check their homespun tales of gritty adolescence, and lurid melees with the faceless goons of anti-privileged youth, etc.
'I grew up in a rural place," said @SenGillibrand to Iowa residents; she actually grew up in a city of 100k, the daughter of the most politically-powerful family in Albany, and attended one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the US. https://t.co/6C3MzYO97E
— Lauren Stanforth (@TUcitydesk) January 20, 2019
In the interest of truth and journalistic excellence, the Free Beacon has decided to deploy, for the first time ever, our proprietary algorithm designed to scientifically determine the exact Privilege Assessment Quotient™ (PAQ) for each of the prospective Democratic presidential candidates, and to rank them accordingly. Enjoy!
1. Terry McAuliffe
- Straight white male: +10.0
- Born in Syracuse, New York: +5.6
- Son of a Democratic politician / real estate agent: +12.7
- Catholic University, Georgetown Law grad: +19.1
- Founded a bank in his late 20s: +28.8
- Founded a failed electric car company: +33.5
- Tried to get the Washington Redskins to move to Virginia: +15.7
- Helped the Clintons buy a mansion: +26.2
- Dismissed from federal lawsuit for defrauding investors: +37.9
- Left his pregnant wife in a hospital delivery room to attend a fundraiser: +44.1
- Miscellaneous: +22.5
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 255.1 PAQ (Most Privileged)
2. Beto O'Rourke
- Straight white male: +10.0
- Born "Robert Francis O'Rourke": +14.8
- Son of prominent Democratic family: +13.7
- Attended Woodberry Forest, an elite all-boys prep school: +29.5
- Rowed crew at Columbia: +32.3
- Multiple arrests resulting in dropped charges: +26.7
- Currently publishing a live journal on Medium: +50.0
- Miscellaneous: +19.5
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 196.5 PAQ
3. Amy Klobuchar
- Straight white woman: +3.0
- Born in Plymouth, Minnesota: +2.2
- Daughter of an alcoholic journalist: +6.5
- High school valedictorian: +10.1
- Yale, Chicago Law School grad: +32.7
- Improv troupe member: +117.4
- Miscellaneous: +4.0
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 175.9 PAQ
4. Cory Booker
- Born in Washington, D.C.: +4.6
- Raised in affluent New Jersey suburbs: +14.9
- Son of IBM executives: +21.3
- High school football All-American: +8.8
- Stanford University, Yale Law grad: +34.5
- Rhodes Scholar: +17.1
- Participated in hunger strike: +32.0
- Hangs out with Rosario Dawson: +24.6
- Bald: (–15.0)
- Acknowledged having an "I am Spartacus" moment: +23.2
- Miscellaneous: +7.5
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 173.5 PAQ
5. Kirsten Gillibrand
- Straight white woman: +3.0
- Born in Albany, New York: +9.6
- Daughter of prominent Democrats / attorneys: +13.9
- Attended Emma Willard, an elite all-girls boarding school: +23.5
- Dartmouth College grad: +27.0
- Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority: +36.4
- Blond: +12.2
- Used to think guns were good: +28.1
- Miscellaneous: +7.7
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 161.4 PAQ
6. Julian Castro
- Born in San Antonio, Texas: +4.5
- Identical twin, one minute older than brother Joaquín: +7.9
- Son of political activists: +6.7
- Collected trading cards: +15.6
- High School named after founding father (Thomas Jefferson): +11.4
- Offered tennis scholarship: +32.9
- Stanford University, Harvard Law grad: +35.0
- Interned at Clinton White House: +12.4
- White-shoe law firm experience: +18.9
- Miscellaneous: +5.3
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 150.6 PAQ
7. Joe Biden
- Straight white man: +10.0
- Born in Scranton, Pennsylvania: (–16.8)
- Attended private Catholic high school: +12.1
- University of Delaware grad: +2.5
- Plagiarist: +37.6
- Teetotaler: +4.0
- Train enthusiast: +39.9
- 76 years old: +17.4
- Kind of a creep: +28.5
- Miscellaneous: +12.2
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 147.4 PAQ
8. John Delaney
- Straight white man: +10
- Raised in Wood-Ridge, New Jersey: +8.8
- Son of an electrician: +2.7
- Worked construction as a youth: (–5.5)
- Columbia, Georgetown Law grad: +30.6
- Ernst & Young Entrepreneur of the Year, 2004: +17.2
- Bald: (–15.0)
- Rich enough to launch pointless presidential bid: +46.9
- Hangs out with Chief Justice John Roberts: +29.5
- Miscellaneous: +16.3
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 141.5 PAQ
9. Kamala Harris
- Born in Oakland, California: (–20.0)
- Raised in Berkeley, California: +20.0
- Daughter of Stanford professor / medical scientist: +17.3
- Attended high school in Montreal, Canada: +6.4
- Sung in Baptist choir: +12.7
- Howard University grad: +10.2
- Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority: +15.5
- Romantic relationship with political powerbroker: +24.9
- Law enforcement experience: +38.3
- Miscellaneous: +3.6
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 128.9 PAQ
10. Sherrod Brown
- Straight white man: +10.0
- Born in Mansfield, Ohio: (–16.0)
- Eagle Scout: +9.8
- Yale grad: +23.5
- Bachelor's degree is Russian studies: +10.7
- Career politician: +34.4
- Husky voice: (–7.5)
- Black sounding name: (–2.9)
- Backpacked through India: +39.2
- Miscellaneous: +13.6
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 114.8 PAQ
11. Liz Warren
- Straight white woman: +3.0
- Born in Oklahoma City: +7.2
- University of Houston, Rutgers Law grad: +16.6
- Debate team member: +19.5
- Dropped out of college to marry a man: +12.5
- "Minority" faculty member at Harvard: +31.1
- Botched DNA test: +13.2
- Miscellaneous: +8.5
PRIVILEGE RATING: 111.6 PAQ
12. Michael Bloomberg
- Straight white man: +10.0
- Born in Boston: +8.7
- Eagle Scout: +9.8
- Nerd: +1.2
- Johns Hopkins, Harvard Business grad: +29.3
- Phi Kappa Psi fraternity: +22.6
- Billionaire: +48.1
- Too short to be elected president / taken seriously: (–39.9)
- Miscellaneous: +17.5
PRIVILEGE RATING: 107.3 PAQ
13. Tulsi Gabbard
- Born in American Samoa: (–17.9)
- Home schooled: +3.9
- Multi-cultural, multi-religious family: +1.5
- Hawaii Pacific University grad: +10.6
- Iraq War veteran: +2.2
- Surfer: +68.7
- Miscellaneous: +4.3
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 73.3 PAQ
14. Bernie Sanders
- Straight white man: +10.0
- Born in Brooklyn, before it was cool: +1.2
- Father born in former Austria-Hungary: +1.2
- Wears glasses: (–6.6)
- Dresses like a slob: +7.1
- 77 years old, alive during Pearl Harbor: +5.7
- High School named after founding father (James Madison): +11.4
- University of Chicago grad: +21.5
- Resisted arrest at segregation protest: (–9.9)
- Miscellaneous: +11.6
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 53.1 PAQ
15. Richard Ojeda
- Born in Rochester, Minnesota: +3.8
- Pronounces last name with hard "J" sound: +13.6
- Retired Army major, war veteran: +1.7
- Graduate of historically black West Virginia State University: +2.5
- Grandson of undocumented Mexican immigrant: (–7.0)
- Has almost 40 tattoos: (–4.4)
- Fractured face in brass-knuckles attack: (–12.1)
- Miscellaneous: +9.7
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 7.8 PAQ (Least Privileged)
Let's take a look at how these candidates measure up to the competition...
Donald J. Trump
- Born in Queens, New York: +4.9
- Grandchild of immigrants: +3.3
- Father didn't really love him: (–12.0)
- Wharton grad: +24.5
- Self-made billionaire: +16.2
- Experienced marital difficulties: +1.8
- Worked his way back from bankruptcy: (–15.6)
- Unfairly maligned by "fake news" media: (–14.7)
- Suffers from bone spurs: (–10.4)
- Miscellaneous: +2.0
TOTAL PRIVILEGE RATING: 0.0 PAQ (Perfect)