My fellow Americans:
When in the course of human events, a political setback befalls a noble leader — a man of pious mind and body, with a virile heart, who, through his boundless courage on the battlefield of life, and dignified endurance in the face of treasonous aggressions perpetrated by a hostile press, has secured a litany of savage triumphs on behalf of freedom-loving souls from sea to shining sea — it becomes necessary for citizens of decent respect and supreme intellect to articulate an explanation of these events for the edification of our nation's children.
I'm talking, of course, about the midterm elections.
As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Democrat Party has taken control of the U.S. House of Representatives for the first time since 2010. Nancy Pelosi, who is old enough to have witnessed the birth of her political lodestar, Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, aka Lenin, is probably going to be speaker again. The last time she held the gavel, she passed Obamacare and supported Hillary Clinton's attack on our embassy in Benghazi.
The fake news media is drooling all over itself with glee. No surprise there. They're going to tell us the House defeat is a "repudiation" of President Donald Trump, but they won't even bother trying to investigate the validity of the election "results." They'll be too busy writing headlines about how Bob O'Rourke could "skateboard his way to the White House."
Speaking of children's toys, I recently finished assembling a doll barracks for my youngest daughter, Schlafly. After crushing a 77-pack of Natty Light as the election returns came in, I couldn't sleep. So I decided to put myself to work. It helped calm my nerves as I pondered how I was going to explain to my daughter what had just happened to her country. When I tucked her into bed that night, just hours before, America was as great as it has ever been, according to most experts. When she woke up, the Democrat Party would be emboldened, thanks to "millions" of "voters," to attack her president and revive the Obama legacy of managed decline. America's greatness is imperiled.
I'm certainly no stranger when it comes to discussing politics with children. My nephews, Brayden and Attechus, are a pair of pompous, pampered hipsters who embody everything wrong with their generation — lazy cynics masquerading as intellectuals who trust Amazon to pack their orders of neckbeard oil and ironic tank tops, but don't trust Arby's to pack a sandwich full of succulent, slow-roasted American beef. I've had to set them straight a time or two at holiday gatherings. But when it comes to my own offspring, and other patriotic children, the conversations aren't always so much fun.
Schlafly loves her country, and is always making insightful observations about politics. Just the other day, for example, she remarked that Saturday Night Live would be a more successful show if they focused more on comedy and less on reenacting the week's political events with funny faces and snarky comments gleaned from Twitter conversations. So true!
Every time a lib opens his mouth to disparage our president on TV, my daughter clutches her chest as if physically wounded by the verbal assault, and wonders aloud why the lib isn't more excited about the unemployment rate reaching a 50-year low. Indeed, she has a lot still to learn about the vile nature of the modern lib. With Democrats taking control of the House, her education will no doubt be accelerated, and I'm going to do my best to guide her through it.
First I'll need to dispel her fears, and reassure her that all is not lost. After all, Donald Trump is still the president, and Republicans increased their majority in the Senate, where the inspiration for her latest Halloween costume, Cocaine Mitch McConnell, will continue to confirm beer-loving justices to the Supreme Court, and to remake the federal judiciary to secure conservative dominion over the land. No, I'll tell her, just because Democrats control the House doesn't mean they can take her guns away. Don't worry, sweetheart, Jim Acosta will never get his own show.
Sometimes people make mistakes, even Americans. It's a lesson all children must learn sooner or later. When an elected Dem or random lib says something mean about the president, I'll explain, it's because they are jealous — of his looks, of his loves, of his extraordinary wealth and intellect. Just like the bullies at her preschool. Just like the celebrities who think their political opinions matter, when in fact they don't. Even in darkness, America burns bright. Look no further than Nevada state assembly district 36, where voters elected a dead brothel owner to own the libs.
Fear not my dear Schlafly, I'll say. America has survived far worse: King George. The "summer of love." Eight years under pacifist thespian Ronald Reagan. America will prevail.