In the latest Harris Poll EquiTrend rankings, Five Guys triumphed over the forces of evil and displaced In-N-Out at the top of the burger chain rankings. According to Science™—and you wouldn't want to be a Science Denier™, would you?—Five Guys is the best, most beloved burger brand around:
JVL, Vic, and I argued about the best of the best burgers in the latest mini-episode of the Substandard, which you can download via iTunes (leave a review while you're at it, especially if your name is Jonah Goldberg; my understanding is that he loves it when people flack for reviews) and other fine podcasting services. I would assume. I never use anything but iTunes.
Or you can listen to it here:
Obviously, Five Guys is the best. And Five Guys is the best because it has the best array of toppings. But with so many options, how do you know which ones to get to maximize the burger-to-topping ratio without overwhelming the burger itself? Behold, the perfect burger:
Five Guys Cheeseburger, with ketchup, mayo, mustard, pickles, sauteed onions, mushrooms.
That's it. That's the perfect burger. Put nothing else on it (lettuce? gtfo) and leave none of the above off of it (I don't care if you don't like mushrooms, develop your palate you philistine). Don't @ me, I don't care about your garbage opinion.