How I Convinced Putin to Invade Crimea and ‘Reset’ the Cold War

Editor’s note: The following letter was received at Free Beacon global headquarters via Morse code. A senior member of the Neocon High Council has confirmed its authenticity. As always, we ask you to pray for Biff Diddle, whose whereabouts remain unknown. May God have mercy on his soul.

To whom it may concern:

I hope it won’t shock you to learn that my relationship with Russian president Vladimir Putin has, over the course of several decades, achieved what the youths call “frenemy status.”

As two of the most feared undercover musclemen of the 1980s, our rivalry may best be compared to that of NBA greats Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. Except in our case, Biff Diddle represents both Magic and Bird, while Putin is more like an uglier version of Spud Webb, minus the ridonkulous vertical. At the end of the day, we both still respect each other and subscribe to that age-old philosophy: “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

Now, re: the game. I have a confession to make. I am tired of never getting credit for my severely patriotic actions, such as seducing a wily Elena Ceaușescu in the cold Romanian winter of ’89. I want my due credit for reigniting the Cold War.