Chuck Hagel Is That Guy

AP

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel is that guy. He’s the guy who is always calling to ask where the party is, but it’s only 2:30 p.m. on a Saturday and you just want to chill for a few hours before going out. Plus, Hagel is excruciatingly dull to hang out with, as evidenced by his underwater approval rating.

His two best friends—John and Barry—are insufferable bores who talk too much. Most of the time, you end up telling him what he wants to hear just to get him off your back, and then, later, ignore his frenzied phone calls when you inevitably don’t show up at the place where you agreed to meet him.

We’re Chucked

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The Senate voted along party lines on a stormy Tuesday evening to confirm the embattled former Republican Nebraska Sen. Chuck Hagel as the nation’s next secretary of defense, capping a turbulent months-long battle over the nominee’s controversial past.