THE LAST STRAW: Chuck Hagel’s Disgraceful Exit Reveals Free Beacon’s Moral Decay

Good riddance.

FERGUSON, Mo. — A couple of weeks ago I was on a date with a lovely woman of the goth persuasion. I was doing pretty well—naturally—and she invited me to her apartment in Brooklyn, where she put on some music to set the mood.

And when I heard the first few chords of Green Day’s soft-core punk anthem “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” I began to weep uncontrollably.

Not because the song elicits memories of my days purging Eastern Europe of Soviet meatheads. Not because I wanted to invite the sympathy of my companion, to feel the bristles of her Elvira wig against my cheek, her black-painted nails pressed into my shoulder.

No. I wept for America.

Chuck Hagel: A Legacy

Couldn't even defend his face. (AP)

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel resigned was fired on Monday, vindicating critics who had long argued that Hagel was unfit for the job.

“Chuck Hagel has been no ordinary secretary of defense,” the man who fired him (President Obama) said in a statement.

And this is certainly true. An ordinary secretary of defense, for example, probably could have defended his face from a kitchen cabinet. Hagel could not. Also, he couldn’t get anyone to return his phone calls.

Chuck Hagel Is That Guy

AP

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel is that guy. He’s the guy who is always calling to ask where the party is, but it’s only 2:30 p.m. on a Saturday and you just want to chill for a few hours before going out. Plus, Hagel is excruciatingly dull to hang out with, as evidenced by his underwater approval rating.

His two best friends—John and Barry—are insufferable bores who talk too much. Most of the time, you end up telling him what he wants to hear just to get him off your back, and then, later, ignore his frenzied phone calls when you inevitably don’t show up at the place where you agreed to meet him.

We’re Chucked

Getty Images

The Senate voted along party lines on a stormy Tuesday evening to confirm the embattled former Republican Nebraska Sen. Chuck Hagel as the nation’s next secretary of defense, capping a turbulent months-long battle over the nominee’s controversial past.