Don Giovanni. Casanova. Lord Byron. Isaac Hayes. Makeup-era KISS members. Shock G a.k.a. "Humpty Hump." These are but a sampling of history's greatest lovers: suave, well-dressed, unfailingly doughty and irresistibly potent specimens of the male sex who elevated fornication to the level of art.
Recent American history, alas, has been less kind to the amateur gigolo and his sweet, noble science, but even in these dark times there flash occasionally lamps in the Temple of Venus, like so many scattered but luminous beacons rising from a desolate waste of hills.
Among Diana's latter-day acolytes, pride of place must be given to the Hon. Bill O'Neill, a Justice of the Supreme Court of Ohio who recently announced his candidacy for that state's governorship. In an effort to forestall criticism from those jealous of the numerous favors bestowed upon him by the goddess, the judge released a statement via a social networking platform in which he made it clear that many indeed were the cups he had filled with the promise of a man. With the poetic wistfulness of a French court diarist of the 18th century, the learned amoroso recalled decorous exercises in licit copulation that "ranged from a gorgeous blonde who was my first true love and we made passionate love in the hayloft of her parents barn and ended with a drop dead gorgeous red head from Cleveland."
Just how many women, the reader will ask, did the good judge artfully and legally hump over the course of his storied lovemaking career? "In the last fifty years I was sexually intimate with approximately 50 very attractive females," he wrote. It has thus far been impossible to determine whether the above tally is meant to be exhaustive. There is no reason to suppose that this lawyerly Lothario has not also, in goodness knows how many tastefully consensual acts of erotic charity, bestowed his gifts upon any number of unsightly lasses as well. It is unlikely that we will ever learn the full extent and delicious variety of the Columbian cicisbeo's ethical amourettes, barring the release of his (no doubt beautifully written) memoirs.
For his refreshing candor about his bonking prowess and in recognition of his innumerable contributions to the neglected field of gynolatry, we are honored to crown Judge O'Neil the Adonis of our grim and unromantic age and a 2017 Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.