Free Beacon Fan Fiction: Hillary Clinton Detained, Trump Declares ‘Promise Kept’ in Fabulous Rose Garden Ceremony

CHAPPAQUA — Hillary Clinton surrendered to federal authorities on Tuesday after a nine-hour standoff involving a series of tense negotiations and a brief exchange of gunfire with Kazakh mercenaries. The former secretary of state was transferred to a federal prison facility in Cumberland, Md., where she will await trial on charges of corruption, racketeering, treason, voter fraud, planning the Benghazi attack, associating with perverts, and disseminating “fake news.”

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You Learn Something New Every Day

A rather silly piece about the state of “prestige TV”—whatever that term even means—made the rounds yesterday on the twitters. It’s one of these odd bits of criticism that poses as bold iconoclasm but actually restates a lot of what has already been said elsewhere. Just as a for-instance, this paragraph made me scratch my head:

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Ukraine Bans Steven Seagal

As reported in the Guardian , actor-producer-seventh-dan-in-aikido and Russian citizen Steven Seagal has been banned for five years from entering Ukraine.

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Drinks Associated with Holidays/Events, Ranked

In the latest mini-Substandard, JVL, Vic, and I discussed the Kentucky Derby, and I recounted a harrowing tale from a recent party that quickly devolved into a Lord of the Flies-style horror show. Mostly, though, I blathered on about Mint Juleps. And then I got to thinking: What are the best drinks associated with holidays? After …

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NEWS: New Jersey Man Selling Kate Upton’s First SI Swimsuit Cover For $3

A South River, New Jersey, man is selling a copy of the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue—notably the first of three with supermodel Kate Upton on its cover—for only $3.00.

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FLASHFORWARD: Hillary Clinton Announces 2020 Presidential Run

Let’s face it, Hillary Clinton is probably going to run for president again in 2020, if for no other reason than to drive up her speaking fees and lay the groundwork for publication of her next memoir. Someone has to pay the bills in that family, and Chelsea needs to focus on running for Congress, or …

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The only correct ranking of Star Wars films

Apparently today is something called “Star Wars Day.” I don’t have any patience for fake holidays or other marketing campaigns, and I am certainly not a nerd excited to take advantage of special merchandise discounts. The only reason I’m weighing in is to correct the glaring and ludicrous errors of others. Here is—most of—the extant Star Wars …

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Abbas Lies to Trump, Big Time

U.S President Donald Trump shakes hands with President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority after a joint statement in the Roosevelt Room of the White House

There was only one remarkable moment in the otherwise formulaic remarks to the press Wednesday by President Trump and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas: a claim by Abbas so audacious and dishonest that he may have damaged his credibility with the president:

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‘The Circle’ Mini-Review

In the latest Substandard, I ranted about anti-science foodies and JVL lectured me on how all techno-thrillers ever made have been amazingly good while Vic regaled us with stories of his A-plus parenting. We spent a lot of time talking about The Circle, though, and I wanted to expand on some of my thoughts about it below. So, after the podcast (to which you can subscribe and leave a review here; if you don’t leave a review, Luke Skywalker will blow up another government office building), I’ll have some more thoughts on The Circle, almost certainly the worst major film that will be released this year.

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More Proof That Abortion *Is* What Democrats Mean By ‘the Economy’

I have blogged about this issue before. I have made it the subject of countless tweets. In bars and at Christmas parties I have shouted till I was blue in the face trying to explain it. I have even written a play—actually, two plays—in an attempt to draw out the seemingly latent connection between the …

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OUT OF THE WOODS: Highlights from the Hillary Clinton Comeback Tour

Congratulations, America! One of your most beloved public speakers (according to 2015 market value) is back on the circuit. That’s right, Hillary Clinton is coming to a regional trade or professional organization or global banking conglomerate’s semi-annual conference near you! Her reps at the Harry Walker Agency are busy plugging the failed candidate’s availability as her ghostwriter puts the finishing touches …

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The Retweet Will Ruin Us All

Michael Brendan Dougherty, in his final column for The Week before heading to National Review, concludes his run by asking us all to stop sharing his work:

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Read One Iran Deal Opponent’s Tweetstorm That Brilliantly Exposes Iran Echo Chamber

Ben Rhodes

“As Malley and representatives of the State Department, including Wendy Sherman and Secretary of State John Kerry, engaged in formal negotiations with the Iranians, to ratify details of a framework that had already been agreed upon, Rhodes’s war room did its work on Capitol Hill and with reporters.

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Requiem for a Heavyweight Division (New Substandard!)

Britain's Anthony Joshua throws a punch at Ukraine's Wladimir Klitschko during the tenth round of their IBF, IBO and WBA, world Heavyweight title fight at Wembley Stadium in north west London

I was shocked—not “shocked, shocked!” like Captain Renault; actually, literally, eyebrows raised and legitimately surprised shocked—to find out that there was a big heavyweight fight this weekend in London. The biggest fight in the heavyweight division in years, maybe a decade. The fight was fought in one of the world’s biggest arenas, in front of 90,000 screaming fans on hand to watch one of the all-time great champions make his final stand. It was a great fight, a vicious-but-intelligent battle between two skilled opponents. It was the end of an age, the end of an era.

And it was on Showtime. At 4 PM. On a random Saturday. With little in the way of promotion or advertising or excitement.

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OPINION: Kate Upton Might Not Be Perfect

EDITORS’ NOTE: This column by the disgraced former journalist Andrew Stiles originally appeared in the May 2017 issue of War Fancy magazine, the Free Beacon’s monthly print publication and the official magazine of the Backyard Axe Throwing League. Over the weekend, hundreds of subscribers wrote letters, sent emails, and posted on social media to express their …

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