$5 Million Is a Lot to Pay When You Can Signal Your Virtue for Free on Twitter

'We did it, Mr. Kraft!' 'Well, we had some help from the man upstairs.' 'God?' 'No, Trump. He called Putin, Putin called Goodell. Let's just say Polonium was threatened.' (AP)

Before we get to what really mattered last night—the advertisements—I must admit to taking some small amount of pleasure in the Patriots beating Atlanta in a way that almost perfectly mirrored the manner in which Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton. Lord knows, I’m no fan of either the Pats or the Donald, but after hearing all the stories about how Tom Brady Is Bad Because He Likes Trump And We Should Denounce Him Because That Is What Righteous People Do And No Good Pats Fan Can Cheer For Dastardly Republicans, well, you know. It was amusing, is all I’m saying. If you turned sports into a proxy battle over your political discontent—as if the NFL were the WWF and the Patriots were the Iron Sheik and the Falcons were Sgt. Slaughter—you kind of deserved what happened last night. I’m just surprised Roger Goodell didn’t send John Podesta out to hand over the trophy.

Read More

The Rabbit and the Demon; or, How Nestlé Came to Rosslyn


It was reported yesterday that the American arm of Nestlé would be moving its headquarters from Glendale, California, to the distinctly untrendy Rosslyn neighborhood of Arlington, Virginia, where Washington Free Beacon Tower is located. The announcement was made by none other than Gov. Terry McAuliffe, who told us a few weeks ago that anti-abortion legislation is “socially divisive” and bad for business. I like to imagine how the deal went down.

Read More

My NFL Super Bowl Pick, with Pictures


I certainly understand why the New England Patriots are solid three-point favorites over the Atlanta Falcons. I also understand why a lot of people are betting on them. Among the chief reasons, I’d imagine, is that Tom Brady is married to Gisele Bundchen. Here are some highlights of her dancing, which is quite impressive.    Some …

Read More

BREAKING: Trump Coming Out Against Infanticide, Fornication


Well, maybe. I don’t often direct readers’ attention to the British edition of Marie Claire, but this piece almost made me weep with joy: Donald Trump was sworn in as President on 20th January, and in just two weeks he has already set back women’s rights dramatically. He has restricted women’s reproductive rights, cut funding to international organizations …

Read More

Neil Gorsuch’s First Confirmation Misstep

Neil Gorsuch Yearbook Page

As someone who enjoys a good, snarky high school student—as someone who vocally contemplated the need for a “Pessimists Club” after learning that the “Optimists Club” was, stupidly, a thing that existed and that people belonged to in my hallowed public high halls—I was excited to learn that President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, had founded a “Fascism Forever Club” at his tony Georgetown prep school.

Read More

New Substandard Discusses Character Actors, Patriots


In the latest edition of The Substandard—the greatest pod ever to be cast by mortal men—JVL, Vic and I spend the bulk of our time discussing character actors. Subscribe! Leave a review! Every time you say something nice about the podcast, a puppy gets adopted from a no-kill shelter. You don’t … hate puppies, do you?

Read More

Guys, Magic is Real After All, and It’s So F***ing Beautiful


Yes, you heard me right, non-Muggles. It’s the most beautiful news you’ve heard this year—maybe even the only good news. No, I don’t mean that people in Des Moines have been spotted playing Quidditch or that the CEO of Uber has been dealt a Cruciatus curse (though a witch can dream, right?): I am referring to …

Read More

The World’s Most Dangerous Arms Race Is Escalating—Rapidly

Pakistan conducts first successful flight-test of new nuclear-capable Ababeel medium-range ballistic missile / Twitter video screenshot

The world’s most dangerous arms race is not to be found in Moscow and Washington, or in East Asia, where tensions are high on the Korean Peninsula and a showdown looms in the Western Pacific between Beijing and the United States. Nor is it to be found in the Middle East, a region in turmoil where two powers–Iran and Saudi Arabia–are engaged in proxy warfare in several hotspots. No, the answer lies in South Asia, and the ongoing rivalry between India and Pakistan.

Read More

If Tom Brady’s Politics Make You Sad, You’re Pathetic


There was an unintentionally hilarious story over at SB Nation—a sports blog network founded by Markos Moulitsas, of Daily Kos fame—the other day about New England Patriots fans who are Super Duper Sad You Guys regarding the fact that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick don’t, like, hate Donald Trump.

Read More

We Asked 26 of Your Favorite Pokémon What They Think of Rex Tillerson’s Appointment as Secretary of State—Here’s What They Said


Twenty-six of your favorite original 151 Pokémon on the former Exxon CEO and current Trump pick for the nation’s top diplomat. Squirtle “Honestly I haven’t had much time to consider the issue. Is there any chance I could get back to you?” Dewgong “Obviously the first thing my mind goes to is the question of …

Read More

The Doomsday Clock Is Fearmongering Gobbledygook With an Intellectual Veneer

It's worth noting that even Zack Snyder could see the Doomsday Clock is ridiculous nonsense.

Big news you guys! The Doomsday Clock, which was created in the 1940s by a group of concerned scientists to demonstrate just how close we are to finally purging the planet of our pesky presence via nuclear destruction, ticked 30 seconds closer to midnight. We’re doomed, doomed!

Or, you know, not.

Read More

New Substandard: ‘What a Twist!’

Anya Taylor-Joy in 'Split'

In the latest edition of The Substandard—which is literally the greatest, most amazing podcast in the history of podcasts—we discuss M. Night Shyamalan in particular and “twist” endings more generally. Subscribe, review, rate, etc.

Read More

Top-Grossing 2016 Movies (Like ‘Deadpool’) Weren’t Nominated for Oscars Because They Weren’t That Good


WMAL’s Larry O’Connor was kind enough to have me on his show yesterday to talk about the Oscar nominations, and he ended the segment with a pointed complaint about the lack of top-grossing films among the best picture contenders. You can listen here:

Read More

Did Anyone Else Miss the National Day of Patriotic Devotion?


Much to the disappointment of every woman who has ever loved me, from my mother to my first girlfriend in seventh grade to my long-suffering wife, I have never been one for anniversaries and that sort of thing. Not long after we met, the last of these ladies did her best to help me remember …

Read More

The Oscar Nominations Were … Strangely Great?

Oscar Nominations

I have to say, I’m used to crushing disappointments during Oscar season. And while this year has its share of sad omissions—Silence shut out from every major category? No love for Amy Adams in Arrival? Viggo Mortenson over Joel Edgerton’s Loving perf? Nothing at all for Love & Friendship?—I have to say that I’m … strangely psyched about the nominations?

Read More