Fan Theories Are Dumb. Deep Readings Are Amazing

The Demon Sorceror Miyagi

Can I bother you with a rant for a second? The street corners are quite hot this time of year and the good people of Rosslyn seem to get vaguely annoyed when I scream at them about movies.

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FLASHFORWARD: Details of Joe Biden’s Campaign Announcement Tour

All aboard! (AP)

The Joe Biden Express is about to leave the station, folks. With insurgent candidate Deez Nuts unlikely even to get his name on the ballot due to the fact that he is actually a 15-year-old bro from Iowa, a Biden presidency remains America’s last, best hope. After formally announcing his candidacy, Scranton Joe will embark on a whirlwind campaign tour, the Free Beacon can reveal:

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Why Airman Spencer Stone Deserves the Silver Star

Airman 1st Class Spencer Stone at the US embassy in Paris, France / AP

Airman 1st Class Spencer Stone is a hero—everyone is agreed on that fact. So are his friends, Specialist Alek Skarlatos of the Oregon National Guard, and Anthony Sadler, a college student. All three were awarded the Legion of Honor over the weekend by the president of France for taking down the heavily armed Ayoub El Khazzani before he could massacre passengers on a high speed train bound for Paris.

Stone is an active duty Air Force medic, based in the Azores. He deserves to be decorated by the Air Force for his courage, and to receive a Purple Heart for his wounds—he nearly had this thumb severed by the terrorist’s box-cutter, among other injuries. Skarlatos, if he is still on active duty (he reportedly returned from Afghanistan only last month, so it is possible) also deserves a valor award from his own chain of command.

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Stump Ted Cruz: An Exciting New Game on the Campaign Trail!

Never try to troll a troll, Ellen Page / AP

The highlight of my weekend, news-wise, had to be the release of video of actress Ellen Page ambushing Ted Cruz on the campaign trail with “tough” questions about horrible no-good very-bad absolutely terrible discrimination against gays—you know, allowing religious bakers to say “no” to catering a religious ceremony they disapprove of.

The video is pretty entertaining; you can watch it here if you haven’t seen it. Warning: You may feel a bit bad for Page by the end. Politico‘s transcript pretty handily captures Cruz’s debate jiu-jitsu:

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The Case for Deez Nuts

From Deez to shining Deez

America! America!

God shed his grace on Deez

Our once great country is at a crossroads. America’s balls are in the air. Fate’s mighty sword is rising, soon to strike, but where? The girth of history hangs heavy like a bilious cloud, the gnarled claws of hubris reaching round to squeeze that vile juice. Our barren fields could use the rain, but at what cost? Some look to the sky and wonder: Will we ever be great again? Some are too ashamed to even ask.

There is only one candidate running in 2016 who can give us the answer we craze. I’m talking, of course, about Deez Nuts.

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Should the Government Decide Which Political Positions Disqualify One from Dispensing Chicken?

ZOMG HATE CHICKEN SMDH / AP

In Denver, some local politicians believe they are in the business of deciding which political positions a restaurant and its owners should be allowed to hold before they are given permission to sell chicken at Denver International Airport.

Seriously.

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Free Beacon Comics Presents: Media Matters!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Media Matters! is a comic strip that documents the zany adventures of truth warriors David Brock and Eric Boehlert. They’ll stop at nothing to expose the lies behind the “mainstream” media’s conservative agenda to destroy Hillary Clinton. It’s a gritty business, where a single tweet could spell the difference between victory and despair, where media really does matter.

Note: The dialogue for these comics is comprised (almost exclusively) of verbatim quotes lifted from Boehlert’s Twitter feed.

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This Is the Worst Poll Yet for Hillary Clinton

Screen Shot 2015-08-19 at 3.59.49 PM

Just as the scandal surrounding Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server as Secretary of State is heating up, a new Quinnipiac poll of the swing states Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylvania looks pretty bad for the Democratic frontrunner.

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Marines Are the Next Target for Women in Combat Advocates

Fleet Week

If you were surprised by the fact that two women are graduating from the Army’s Ranger School this week, you haven’t been paying attention. At the end of May, after all 19 women who began the course had washed out, the Army’s top general announced that the trial program had been a “success,” and that further iterations of the course would likely be opened to female students. At the same time, it was announced that three of the women who had failed, including the two who have now made it to graduation, had been offered the opportunity to begin the course over again. This is not an unprecedented opportunity for stellar soldiers who have underperformed on one or two events, but it is not a widely available opportunity, either.

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Genocide on Hold: Victims of the Obama Bird Slaughter Score Key Victory in Court

Score one for the birds.

Victims of President Obama’s bird genocide won a crucial victory earlier this month when a federal judge struck down an Obama administration rule that would allow certain green energy producers to murder bald eagles with impunity for up to 30 years:

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Five Hillary Clinton Gestures That Will Redeem Your Faith In Humanity

Hillary Rodham Clinton

There’s a reason Hillary Clinton is known in some quarters as “America’s grandmother.” That charming, carefree laugh. That calm, attentive nod. She carries herself with a grace that defies the harsh reality of the human condition. Her smile is like a dollop of warm love melted over golden buns. Her voice is the pure harmonic bong of freedom’s bell. Her jingle-jangle spirit jolts the spine and soothes the cynic’s soul.

Here are five defining Hillary Clinton gestures that will fill your heart with joy.

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FLASHFORWARD: Donald Trump Sworn In as President

Winners gonna win. (AP)

Given his vast popularity and strong commitment to making America great again, Donald Trump will probably be our next president. The only question worth asking at this point is: What will the Trump presidency be like? Will he absolve Hillary Clinton’s felony conviction with a presidential pardon? We already have a pretty good idea how he’ll respond when Iran becomes a nuclear power. What else do we have to look forward to?

A massive inauguration parade, that’s what. Huge, like wouldn’t believe. America will feel great again, because America will be great.

Here’s an exclusive look at the festivities:

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New York Times Reassured By Obama Foreign Policy. Our Allies? Not So Much

The USS Theodore Roosevelt, near Yemen / AP

Readers of the New York Times could be forgiven for believing that the Obama administration is maintaining a tough military posture in the Middle East. Consider today’s report, courtesy of Helene Cooper, from the decks of the aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt, where Cooper portrays the Navy as maintaining a vigilant, tense watch on Iranian activity in the Persian Gulf:

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Being Compared to Scottie Pippen is Terrible for Hillary Clinton

Pippen Clinton

Hillary Clinton was handed the ultimate backhanded compliment by senior White House adviser Dan Pfeiffer, who said that she is more of a Scottie Pippen than a Michael Jordan, like her husband or Barack Obama.

If Pfeiffer is right, this is not a good thing for Clinton.

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66,580 Reasons Why Donald Trump Is Better and More Successful than Obama

All he does is win. (AP)

Next president Donald Trump is better and more successful than Barack Obama in many, many ways. The Donald has a massive fortune, while Obama is barely a millionaire. Pathetic. Trump also boasts a Twitter following that is huge like you wouldn’t believe. Very, very large. Even the President of the United States can’t keep up with the Donald. What a loser.

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