UPDATE
The Substandard's mini-episode this week is dedicated to this exact topic: the mooching nuggets guy. Listen now!
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/UPDATE
The official Wendy's Twitter account has developed a reputation for being "fun." And in an effort to take advantage of this "fun," one joker asked how many retweets he would have to accumulate in order to earn free chicken nuggets for the year. This is how Wendy's responded:
I took a screenshot instead of simply embedding the tweet—which would've been easier and consumed a tiny bit less of my extremely valuable time—because I want to make it marginally more difficult for Carter Wilkerson to achieve his goal. I do not want him to get free "nuggs" for a year. I do not want him to get anything.
It's gauche enough to go about begging for free stuff on Twitter, but there's something truly horrendous about trying to enlist the rest of us in your efforts. Do not try to make me an accomplice to your scam, sir: I have no interest in your shenanigans. I hope you fail, and fail miserably.
Wilkerson is a freeloading moocher. And freeloading moochers deserve to fail—they deserve to be deprived of delicious chicken nuggets if they refuse to pay for them. When Wilkerson runs out of steam well short of his goal, as he hopefully will, I hope Wendy's takes a cue from Homer Simpson and bans the loutish oaf from their stores altogether:
Wendy's, I implore you: For one year, do not let this moocher into thy hut. Ban him, good and hard.
And the rest of you, the good people of Twitter, I similarly beg of you to stop indulging this cotton-headed ninnymuggins in his quest for free food. It degrades all of us whenever a jerk like this is allowed to succeed.
No one likes a moocher.