TRIGGER WARNING: Trump’s ‘Witch Hunt’ Claim Offends Accused Witches

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Salem, Mass. — More than a dozen women and men accused of witchcraft in this sleepy New England village are criticizing President Donald Trump for saying the current investigation into possible ties between his campaign and the Russian government is "the greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!"

"Gimme a break," said one elderly resident of Salem accused of witchcraft. "I’m going to be hanged on Gallow’s Hill because a bunch of girls had spasms."

"The president has it easy," added one of the main defendants in the case. "He’s worried about a memo. I, on the other hand, have to worry about the Court of Oyer and Terminer making spectral evidence admissible. Spectral evidence!"

"There is much value in the interpretation of visions and dreams," countered Boston minister and Trump supporter Rev. Cotton Mather, the author of Memorable Providences Relating to Witchcrafts and Possessions, a publication some have regarded as "fake news." "For one thing, it's a great help when asking the accused what did she know and when did she know it."

A spokesman for the Court of Oyer and Terminer called it "a stretch" to compare the president’s troubles to the trials in Salem. "You’ve got, on the one hand, an investigation involving mass hysteria and demonic possession. And on the other hand, we have these witch trials."

A judge on the court who spoke on the condition of anonymity asked, "What’s the worst that could happen? Resignation? Because we just sentenced a man to death—he was crushed by stones." Nevertheless, the judge added that "we cannot think of a better special counsel than former FBI director Robert Mueller, a man of good German stock. We all greatly admire him and his unimpeachable integrity."