Republican candidates will square off tonight at the third GOP primary debate on CNBC. Scott Walker won't be there because his campaign was a huge failure. Novelty candidates such as Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, and George Pataki won't be there either because they didn't meet the polling threshold. Rick Santorum, who is rumored to be considering another run for president, likely will not announce in time to qualify.
Sparks are expected to fly, mostly due to the fact that it's a debate. Frontrunner Donald Trump will also have to confront the fact that he's no longer leading in every poll and is now a pathetic loser who literally begs for votes. The other candidates will attempt to show energy. Here are some things to look out for tonight:
- Rand Paul will show up 30 minutes late, wrist deep in a "family size" bag of Funyuns.
- Rick Santorum will attempt to steal the spotlight by announcing his decision to enter the race moments before the debate begins.
- Marco Rubio will end his candidacy by making another stupid joke about bottled water.
- If it comes up, one of the candidates (probably Mike Huckabee) will denounce the firing of Deputy Ben Fields.
- Donald Trump will accuse Rand Paul of being high. He might be right.
- In accordance with contractual obligations, Ben Carson will devote 10 percent of his speaking time to plugging his latest book.
- Jeb Bush says words on stage, reminding voters that he's still running for president, despite "a lot of really cool" options.
- Trump will brandish a Bible and declare it his "most valuable property." (It will actually be a book of hymnals an intern stole from a local church.)
- Candidates will be asked if they would go back in time to kill Baby Hitler, and whether or not this would conflict with their pro-life views. Carson will suggest the question would be irrelevant if Hitler's midwives had been armed.
- Candidates will be asked what they plan to dress as for Halloween. All but two will answer: "The next president of the United States." Ted Cruz will explain his plans to dress as "Obamacare," consisting of leather gloves, a butcher's knife, and a bloody corpse labeled "the economy." Rand Paul will go as Ludwig von Mises.
- The truth about 9/11 will be revealed.
- Trump will refuse to apologize for "fat shaming" Chris Christie.
- John Kasich will threaten to switch parties. No one will care.
- Mitt Romney will sip caffeine-free Diet Coke in a leather armchair that cost more than your education, waiting for the phone to ring. "Hello Reince," he'll say through a flawless grin. "I've been expecting your call."