Tomb Raider and Video Game Movies (New Substandard!)

In the latest episode of the Substandard (subscribe, review, etc.) Vic, JVL, and I all discuss Tomb Raider and video game movies writ large. It's a pretty good show, I think. Unlike that disaster last week. Good lord. Surprised they let us have another crack at it after that one.

Anyway, listen below. And after the embed, I've included the five worst video game movies. It was actually kind of hard to find five movies I'd actually seen for this list. So, if you want to see some real crap, just stick around. You won't be sorry?

5. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

I actually kinda-sorta like the original Mortal Kombat, directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. It's fun and silly but no sillier than most of the Bruce Lee fighting movies and made with a modicum of craft, so who cares. The sequel, though, is terrible. I assume the casting director was like "okay, let's hire Angelina Jolie, but not, like, actually Angelina Jolie" when it came to the character above. Always a good sign.

4. Resident Evil: Retribution

I'm going to be honest: I watched this movie half-drunk at about 1 in the morning on HBO one night. I don't really remember it. I just remember being incredibly confused by the fact that all the characters from the previous movies were back but not really back. I don't have a problem, you have a problem.

3. Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

I have no idea which Tomb Raider movie this is from, but it is the greatest gif of all time. No wonder there are 186 Sharknado movies.

2. Silent Hill: Revelation

The original Silent Hill is an under-appreciated, moody horror-thriller with some fantastic set design and genuinely interesting camerawork from director Christophe Gans. It's not high art, or anything, but it's better than it has any right to be.

Silent Hill: Revelation looks like it was shot by the fifth-unit director of a straight-to-DVD horror mill during breaks in filming the first season of Game of Thrones. Kit Harrington should never be allowed to act outside of that show. Ever. I hate this movie so much.

1. Super Mario Bros.

Everything about this movie is so, so bad. Every design choice, every plot point. Literally everything. How did anyone think this was a good idea?