Care for a truth bomb? Here it is: Republicans should be ashamed of themselves for holding up Loretta Lynch's nomination for attorney general. In bringing indictments against senior FIFA officials as part of a sweeping corruption investigation, Lynch has established herself as an aggressive champion of American values (such as freedom, exceptionalism, and brawn), and a tireless opponent of socialist abominations (such as flopping, whining, and tie scores).
At this point, few disagree that soccer is a fundamentally anti-American enterprise, the sole redeeming feature of which is to serve as a moral pardon for left-wing hipsters to partake in unironic expressions of patriotism. Confirmed socialist Barack Obama, for example, in an effort to be accepted into the global cultural elite, has taken to calling the sport by its European monicker, "football."
This can only been viewed in the context of Obama's broader efforts to transform the United States into a European-style welfare state, where falling down is rewarded and American workers devote incredible effort only to achieve a final score of 0-0; where most of the players don't even make it onto the field, and, if they're lucky, are compensated for their troubles with a "participation" trophy funded by taxpayer dollars.
If soccer is to be judged by its most ardent devotees, the morally righteous among us are compelled to render a damning verdict. Anyone who have ever been cornered in conversation by an Oberlin grad who "lived" in Spain for six weeks after his junior year and developed a passion for the local "football" "club" after watching his favorite striker writhe around on the "pitch" every time a defender violated his safe space can tell you everything you need to know about soccer's corrupting effect on civilization.
Soccer fans, like Hillary Clinton supporters, have convinced themselves they must simply accept the shady dealings and corrupt individuals tied to their favorite sport/candidate. If anything, FIFA officials come off looking even worse than the Clintons, given their failure to adequately expunge potentially incriminating evidence and/or establish secret shell corporations for the purpose of funneling income. On the other hand, the FIFA officials displayed a commendable taste for luxury by being arrested at a five-star hotel in Zurich, which was very Clintonian of them.
To conclude: Three cheers for Loretta Lynch, who has proven herself worthy of serious consideration for president in 2016.