The Twelve Days of Christmas have largely been relegated to a song played on the all-Christmas-music stations that freckle the radio dial after Thanksgiving. Time to invigorate the brand. Let's celebrate the twelve smokes of Christmas.
The First Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
One breaking exclusive from CNN reporter Pamela Brown.
This just in: Pam is spectacular.
The Second Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Two dueling cellos from Glee's Naya Rivera.
She's a Smooth Criminal.
The Third Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Three million YouTube views of Katherine Webb at the BCS National Championship.
If her boyfriend can't profit from football, she sure will.
The Fourth Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Four hours of non-stop Hurricane Isaac coverage by Rachel Rollar.
She keeps it Zen.
The Fifth Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Five future Wonder Woman movies starring Gal Gadot.
Heck of a consolation prize for falling short in Miss Universe 2004.
The Sixth Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Six goals by Syndey Leroux.
She can score from all over the field.
The Seventh Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Seven Victoria's Secret Angels led by my MVA (Most Valuable Angel) Karlie Kloss.
In a company that outsources its smokes, Karlie is 100 percent Made in America.
The Eighth Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Eight "Blurred Lines" parodies starring Emily Ratajkowski.
Nudity and the Internet have manufactured yet another star.
The Ninth Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Nine acting awards for Jennifer Lawerence.
All for this reaction shot.
The Tenth Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Ten finalists for Miss America, led by Miss Kansas Theresa Vail.
She's better known as Miss 'Murica.
The Eleventh Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Eleven armbar submissions by Ronda Rousey.
Her roar is louder outside the Octagon.
The Twelfth Smoke of Christmas, the Truth Monkey gave to me,
Twelve cat daddies by Kate Upton.
Merry Patriotic Christmas!
