I was going to write something about the absurd spectacle of grown people falling all over themselves to praise Beyonce's VMA routine and condemn Sofia Vergara's Emmys bit—one was a feminist triumph because of stripper poles and a giant sign screaming FEMINIST (no, seriously); the other was super sexist because attractive, funny, talented women shouldn't be placed on pedestals, literal or figurative (no, still, seriously)—but Mollie Hemingway and Amy Otto have you covered. Suffice it to say that the whole thing is ludicrously funny.
Instead, I'll focus on something I've never quite understood: the horribly performative nature of Beyonce-worship. In a way, it makes perfect sense: Just as Beyonce's FEMINIST sign is a bit of empty signaling meant to show people she thinks the right things, the tweets are an equally empty effort to show that her fans appreciate her empty signaling and her modest talents. At least, I hope that's all it is. I find it hard to believe that human adults with access to one of the greatest communications methods ever invented are content to use it to compete with each other over who can praise a mediocre pop singer the hardest. I mean, really?
Me during Beyonce's performance #BeyonceonVMA pic.twitter.com/YLJl2FllOA
— Azy (@azymanzur) August 25, 2014
Really?
the moment we're I stop breathing. It's a priceless moment of the queen Beyonce.Bye. #VMA2014 #BeyonceonVMA pic.twitter.com/T1ptJ82AO3 — Bethany Mota ∞ (@foxyMota) August 25, 2014
Seems a bit much.
How Beyonce stole the show at the VMA's and made you forget anyone else was even there: http://t.co/cmb62WVsuB pic.twitter.com/9OFH5NCUlg
— Vox (@voxdotcom) August 25, 2014
Some crucial context: That's a pretty low bar. This is, after all, the VMAs.
OMG BLUE IVY JUST PERSONALLY WAVED AT ME. MY LIFE IS OVER. — KATY PERRY (@katyperry) August 25, 2014
OK, that one actually kind of made me laugh; Katy Perry is delightful. This, however, made me sad for humanity. And this was just kind of creepy:
I cannot with this perfection RT @BuzzFeed: OMG pic.twitter.com/nmuF4Pttdy
— Jarett Wieselman (@JarettSays) August 25, 2014
You "cannot"? Why not? What's stopping you? Is it all the crotches and the butts? Are they silencing you as if they were some sort of modern-day Hypnotoad? Is it something else? Has the Beygency gotten to you too?
The Beygency, of course, refers to this genius SNL skit about the last sane man in the world: The one who realizes that Beyonce is kind of okay but remarkably overpraised by the followers of her cult.
One of the great things about the land of the free and the home of the brave is that you can behave in just about any embarrassing way you wish. To quote a great American: It's a free country, brother. But man. Maybe have some dignity. Your kids are going to see these tweets one day, you know?