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Obama’s Failed Presidency Has Ruined My Love Life

AR-RAQQA, Islamic State—It’s hard to put into words how much I enjoy waking up to the smell of dead terrorists. It is a feeling matched only by the exhilaration of waking up next to a woman. Any woman. Unfortunately for Biff (me), the former experience has become far more common than the latter. Barack Hussein Obama has ruined my love life.

Being a bachelor in the Obama era wasn’t always a bummer. During the 2008 campaign, I found love at every rally I attended. And let me tell you, I needed some love. Divorce number five was in the works. I was physically and emotionally exhausted after spending the better part of 2007 in caves. I had scurvy.

The vibe at those Obama campaign events could humble even the most seasoned of bachelors. Singles wolfing down "hope and change," expressing un-ironic patriotism for the first time in their lives, congratulating themselves for "making history." It was the Wild West. It was Haight-Ashbury. It was sublime.

I’d sidle up to a co-ed wearing a "Coexist" t-shirt, someone I could just tell had an amazing personality and lots of interesting things to say, and tell her: "I think Obama’s going to change the world." KA-CHING.

Technically, it wasn’t a lie. There was no doubt in my mind that Obama would change the world by turning America into a hell-scape of hipster socialism, and by allowing the enemies of freedom to run rampant.

When things started to get intense, I’d throw out something like: "Let me tell you a secret. [Whisper in ear] The arc of my universe is long, and it bends towards you."

So much has changed. The president’s popularity has plummeted. Nicki Minaj released a couple of albums. Senator Ted Cruz (R., Texas) was shaping up to be a solid VP choice until he went soft on Israel.

I long for the days when Obama was content to wreak havoc domestically. Due to his incompetent foreign policies, real men like Biff (me) have to spend all of our time racing from one hazardous location to the next killing terrorists. And don’t get me wrong, there are few things I enjoy more. I just wish I didn’t have to spend so much time explaining to the local talent why red-blooded American males shouldn’t be tainted by Obama’s sins.

In Ukraine, especially, where the women are beautiful and strong, Americans have come to be regarded as weak and unreliable. Under these circumstances, my rugged charm is as futile as the blankets we’ve been sending over there.

These days, if I show up at an Obama rally and don’t immediately identify myself as "cis," I am shunned. Men wearing suspenders reproach me for abusing the "people’s mic." Just last week I was rejected by an Organizing for America volunteer. She accused my mustache of promoting rape culture. Also she didn't believe I had just been in sovereign Kurdistan. Well, Chloe, I have news for you. Check out the photo below. And no, I DO NOT want to go to the Conor Oberst concert "just as friends."

WFB ombudsman Biff Diddle poses with an AK-47 near Erbil, Kurdistan. (AP)

On some level I’m rooting for Bill Clinton to return to the White House in 2016. It would be a defeat for America. But it would also be a resounding victory for bachelors everywhere.