What Kind of Monster Doesn’t Like Sandwiches? (New Substandard!)

In the latest episode of the Substandard (subscribe, review, etc.), we were supposed to spend most of the show talking about aging action stars, tied to the release of The Foreigner. The show took a turn, however, when Vic and I learned that JVL hates sandwiches.

Let that sink in for a moment.

OK, now that you're prepared—now that you've steeled yourself against an unnameable grotesquerie—give the show a listen. I can't promise you won't be disgusted by what you hear, but you might be entertained. After the jump, I'll rank the lunch meats for JVL so he can learn how to truly enjoy the greatness of a fine, handcrafted sandwich.

I honestly am not even sure where to start with this. Who doesn't like sandwiches? I guess we should remind JVL that a sandwich is only as good as its component parts, so he should invest in some decent, freshly baked bread and some good cheese, in addition to sliced pickles and whichever condiments he prefers (Miracle Whip or mayo—they're basically interchangeable, people—and yellow mustard, I guess).

But what dead animal flesh should we put on the sandwich? That's the real question. I would offer the following truncated rating:

5. Salami

Salami / Getty

I am not, generally, a fan of cured meats—there's something off-putting about them—but I make an exception for the finest cured meat, the king of the cured meat: Oscar Mayer Salami. Don't @ me, it tastes like childhood.

4. Sliced Chicken

Especially if you get some of the sliced chicken with a hint of smokiness or a tang of barbecue. Quite tasty, highly recommended.

3. Turkey

When I search for ‘turkey sandwich' on Getty this is one of the things that showed up, so, obviously, I am including it here even thought that sandwich has pastrami on it, which is foul / Getty

I don't mean leftover Thanksgiving turkey sandwiches, which are fine, I guess. I mean the shaved stuff at the deli. Such a hearty bird. His spirit gives me strength when I consume his flesh.

2. Ham

What is this? A ham sandwich for ants? It should be at least … three times bigger than this / Getty

Oh man, a good honey-baked ham sandwich on some fluffy white bread with American cheese and a big dollop of Miracle Whip? Only one thing better than that.

1. Roast Beef

It's like a steak … but a sandwich? Loeb's, in D.C., has a great roast beef sandwich called the Madison Avenue: roast beef and muenster with slaw on twin rolls. Best sandwich in town, you can't beat it. I mean, don't get me wrong, Arby's is good too. But this is the king of roast beef sandwiches. Check it out if you're ever in town.