How to Pad Your Resume Like a Pro, by Hillary Clinton

AP

We all know that Hillary Clinton is the most successful and influential female political leader of all time. We know this because Clinton and her supporters are constantly reminding us, and because her official resumes—via the White House, the State Department, PBS, and the Clinton Foundation—offer a case study in how to inflate one's accomplishments with nonsense words. (The following is comprised almost entirely of direct quotes.)

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Multiple Houses

United States of America

Age: 66

Accomplishments:

-As an undergraduate at Wellesley College, Hillary mixed academic excellence with school government. She helped organize a disciplined two-day strike on campus and worked as a liaison to channel constructive dialogue and meaningful action.

-As a student at Yale Law School, Hillary continued to pursue her interests in social justice, children and families, and politics. In the spring of 1971, Hillary introduced herself to Bill Clinton, whom she had seen around the Yale campus. Bill had "a vitality that seemed to shoot out of his pores," she reflected. They shared a common interest in social justice and politics, and began what would be a lifelong relationship.

-In 1975, Hillary demonstrated her commitment to social justice by successfully defending a child rapist "as a favor" to a local prosecutor. After viciously attacking the credibility of the 12-year-old victim, Hillary won a plea bargain for her rapist client, who was ultimately sentenced to just one year in prison, minus two months for time served. Years later, Clinton would joke that her faith in polygraph tests was "forever destroyed" when her rapist client professed his innocence during a polygraph and passed.

-As the nation's first lady, Hillary continued to balance public service with private life. Her public involvement with many activities sometimes led to controversy. Undeterred by critics, Hillary won many admirers for her staunch support for women around the world and her commitment to children's issues.

-During her tenure as first lady, Hillary contended with a series of investigations into the Clintons' personal affairs, including extensive inquiries related to the Clintons' 1979 investment in the failed Whitewater land deal in Arkansas. The Clintons repeatedly refused to turn over private records to media investigators, a strategy Hillary championed. During the official investigation, Hillary became the first First Lady to be subpoenaed to testify before a grand jury.

-In 1998, as the scandal of Bill's affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky unfolded, Hillary won the admiration of the public through her strong and thoughtful response.

-In 2000, Clinton made history as the first First Lady elected to the United States Senate. After September 11, 2001, she advocated for rebuilding New York.

-In 2007 and 2008, Clinton mounted her historic campaign for the presidency, winning 18 million votes, as well as more primaries and delegates, than any woman candidate had before.

-In her four years as Secretary of State, Clinton played a central role in restoring America’s standing in the world and strengthening its global leadership. Her "smart power" approach to foreign policy elevated American diplomacy and development and repositioned them for the 21st century.

-Benghazi.

-As America's chief diplomat and President Obama's principal foreign policy adviser, Clinton spearheaded progress on many of our greatest national security challenges, from …responding to the challenges and opportunities of the Arab Awakening to negotiating a ceasefire in the Middle East.* She pushed the frontiers of human rights and demonstrated that giving women the opportunity to participate fully is vital to security, stability, and prosperity.

-If elected president in 2016, Clinton would be one of the oldest world leaders in history.

*Someone forgot to inform the Middle East of this Clinton-brokered ceasefire agreement:

middle-east-map-political

Current map of Middle East