The Republican presidential candidates—most of them, anyway—will face off in another debate in Las Vegas on Tuesday. It will be an edifying intellectual experience for all. What can we expect to see? Here's what:
- No one will miss Mike Huckabee, who just got demoted to the kids' debate. Or maybe he dropped out already. Who the hell knows?
- With a relatively strong performance, Jeb Bush will propel himself to the cusp of the VP conversation.
- Ben Carson will gaffe by, among other things, mixing up the terms AQAP and ASAP.
- John Kasich will continue to not understand why you total f—king morons don't like him, and may even challenge Donald Trump to literally drop trou and prove how "healthy" he really is.
- Marco Rubio will H2Own the stage with another very clever joke about drinking water. Maybe something about needing to "quench my Durst," a reference to former Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst, to show that he's hip and in touch with the youths.
- Carly Fiorina will be there.
- Rand Paul will be forced to just stand there after CNN producers forget to add an extra podium, which is actually for the best because the venue is all out of booster steps.
- Chris Christie will "go viral" after eating some sketchy mahi mahi at The Venetian. He's wheeled off stage, and Rand Paul tries to take his empty podium, but stands down after Donald Trump verbally berates him for refusing to comb his hair: "They make combs for dolls, don't they?"
- Ted Cruz won't "give the media what it wants," and declines to attack Donald Trump or exude a minimal amount of charisma.
- Trump will cast aspersions on Wolf Blitzer's beard, and secure a week's worth of uninterrupted news coverage by announcing that his next physical examination will be broadcast live in a two-hour primetime special by the cable network that "treats him the most fairly."
- Mitt Romney will dab in a $45,000 patio chair, the sturdy Pacific breeze no match for his immaculately coifed salt-and-pepper locks. As the sun sinks down toward the horizon, he'll take slow sips from his seltzer on the rocks, shirt collar unbuttoned, and a red tie in his jacket pocket—just in case.
