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Garbage Beer Producer Mocks People With Taste

Of all the ads from the Super Bowl—from that bizarre Nationwide ad that wants you to know your children could die at literally any moment to that awful tampon commercial where girls threw like girls and we were supposed to act like they weren't throwing like girls—the one that rustled the most jimmies was probably this terrible Budweiser commercial:

On the one hand, Budweiser deserves some kudos for staking out a bold stance: "Our cheap swill is so tasteless it goes down like water," the ad screams. "We know you don't want little things like 'flavor' or 'seasoning' in your beer: you want low ABV, pee-colored liquid served in a warm glass."

On the other hand, reminding consumers that your product is bland and inoffensive to the palate might not be the best strategy. After all, there's a reason that Budweiser is losing ground to craft beers: It's because Budweiser brings literally nothing to the table. It's the sort of beverage you drink if you're ... hell, I don't even know. I mean, it's not even particularly good for a cheap domestic lager. If I were ranking beer brands, Budweiser would appear somewhere near the bottom. The list goes something like:

1: Dogfish Head (especially the Raison D'Etre)
2: Bell's (Two-Hearted)
3: Heavy Seas (Loose Cannon)
4 through 187: [Every other craft brewery]
188: Coors
189: Miller
190: Milwaukee's Best
191: Natural Light
192: Hurricane malt liquor
193 through 228: [Every other malt liquor]
229: Budweiser

The point is, Budweiser is a garbage beer, even by garbage beer standards. It's not "beer for people who like beer." It's beer for people who hate beer, a beer for people who are looking to slowly get buzzed as a means of numbing the pain while their life slips away and death creeps up behind them. It's sadness in a bottle, regret in a can. Drinking Budweiser isn't a lifestyle choice; it's a plea for help.

Anyway. You shouldn't drink Budweiser. But if you do drink Budweiser, don't pretend like it's some sort of grand statement about your commitment to the things that are good in life. You're not fooling any of us.