I really don’t have time for an introduction today. Here are my crucial takeaways from the U.S. soccer team's embarrassing World Cup loss to Belgium, a failed colonial power that has accomplished very little in the past 100 years other than serving as a rest stop for the German army:
1) "Hope and Change" is just as worthless when applied to sports.
There are many words to describe the preening flock of millennial hipsters who held hands and sang Arcade Fire songs while voting for Barack Obama in 2008. "Feeble-minded," for instance, is high up on the list.
"Hope and Change" has resulted in Hopeless Chains for millions of hardworking Americans. That’s what happens when you elect a serial memoirist with no relevant work experience to the highest office in the land.
Does the younger generation of hopeless "selfie" addicts understand that they have only themselves to blame for their woes? Do they even care?
They haven’t learned a damn thing, in my assessment. For example, I’m told that the semi-official U.S. soccer team chant is: "I believe that we will win!" If that’s really the best we can come up with as a nation then we might as well call it a day. The American experiment has failed.
I mean, how pathetic is this?
"I believe that we can win!" (in President Obama’s more passive rendering) may accurately describe our current approach to foreign policy—in Iraq, Ukraine, Syria, Benghazi, etc.—but that doesn’t make it a good chant. Biff Diddle has believed a lot of things over the course of his life, and nearly all of them have been true. But most of you aren’t Biff Diddle, and no one gives a sh!t what you believe. Who does America play next, by the way?
Oh, right. That’s what I thought.
2) Tim Howard is overrated.
Give me a break. Apparently, the American "goalie" set some kind of World Cup record for touching the ball with his hands. (Thought that was against the rules, but whatever.) This raises a number questions, such as: "Who cares? It’s f@cking soccer."
Here are some other relevant statistics: Goals allowed: USA 2, Belgium 1. That's a 100 percent disparity. Nice job, goalie.
Nevertheless, the Tim Howard fanboys are out in full force, and making the same dumb joke over and over again:
Really, Kansas?
This is beyond idiotic. This is a societal swan song for a once great nation that, having long ago abandoned its founding principles, is barreling headlong toward full celebrity rule.
Tweeting out "Tim Howard 2016" may be a great way for insecure millennials to achieve a faux sense of belonging on the Internet and it may seem like a harmless joke. But don’t doubt for one second that these people aren’t serious.
On the one hand, a President Howard would be a significant upgrade from the current occupant of the White House, who has zero familiarity with the concept of working outside and using ones hands to make a living. (Being bad at golf on a regular basis doesn’t count.) On the other, Howard also has proven that he's extremely good at losing on the international stage. Do we really want four more years of failure?
If anyone should run for president in 2016, it’s Howard’s coach, Jurgen Klinsmann. Like the current president, he’s not a U.S. citizen. However, Klinsmann does at least have some leadership experience, not to mention a smoking hot wife, and at least one snazzy sweater.
3) Biff Diddle is vindicated.
A couple weeks ago, I warned that soccer was the single greatest threat to American exceptionalism. I was right then, and I’m right now. As I explained at the time:
Liberals are drawn to soccer precisely because it is one of the few remaining venues where American exceptionalism does not prevail.
The World Cup, rather, is a working model of President Obama’s foreign policy vision: a world in which America has no special role, where inferior countries are no longer humbled by American greatness, where every country is exceptional, and free shots on goal are not earned, but given away as a handout to those who have mastered the "art" of falling down.
Many of you scoffed. But listen to what this doe-eyed intern at MSNBC had to say following America's exit from the World Cup:
"Part of embracing a truly worldwide competition is accepting the fact the U.S. cannot simply assert its dominance." If they weren't so deranged and dangerous, communists like Chris Hayes would be adorable. Excuse me for being skeptical of any so-called "competition" in which the United States fails to "assert its dominance."
As much as Obama has succeeded in his plan to undermine American exceptionalism through weakness and incompetence (we’re not even the number one polluter in the world anymore, for crying out loud), I'm still convinced that America's failure to dominate in soccer is a reflection of the sport's innumerable flaws—the lack of scoring, for example, and the socialist undertones—rather than a reflection of American inferiority.
We're still fundamentally better than everyone else at the things that really matter, such as drone-striking terrorists and increasing body mass. We're simply being led by someone whose sole mission in life is handing out participation trophies and apologizing on our behalf.
That being said...
4) The future is bleak.
One of these days, Chris Hayes is going to be old enough to vote, and so will all of the "patriots" whose love of country is inversely proportional to our likelihood of success in a given arena.
Four years from now, when the next World Cup is held (in Russia, obviously), the United States could find itself squaring off against the Islamic Caliphate, which could very well be stacked with talent if it succeeds in reconquering Spain and Portugal, two nations noted for their inability to fight off invading forces.
According to this map, ISIS could potentially host the World Cup in "Hijaz" (Qatar) in 2022. Which middling country will the United States lose to then?