Beyoncé Gets Spanked

On some days, when I stare wistfully at the live stream of the White House exterior, I wonder if President Obama, out of all of the people on the planet, wishes he could trade places with Beyoncé. Leaving aside the whole "being married to his favorite rapper" thing, O must envy Bey’s vise-like-control over her own narrative, despite the fact that this year it's been trying its hardest to squirrel away from her.

Monday’s "dap on the donk," for example, is the latest in a string of shenanigans that have befelled the international superstar.

In the midst of crooning her anti-men anthem, "Irreplaceable," a fan who was either hammered or off his medication gave it up for Bey with a hearty pat on her "back."

Whether or not the random's hand hit Bey’s butt like thunder, he definitely disappeared like smoke, as the diva snuffed him out with a stern "I will have you escorted out of here, all right?"

Then she picked up singing right where she left off.

Each time a mishap occurs, Beyoncé ruthlessly and efficiently fixes her celebrity machine.

Her "Mrs. Carter Show Tour" hasn’t even hit stateside, and already Beyoncé has had to fend off randy fans and baby rumors. Before she set off on her post-baby comeback, Bey failed to understand that, no matter how beloved she and her husband may be, Cuba is still a vicious and oppressive country in which to spend your wedding anniversary.

And who can forget that bit of turbulence the Carters endured on their trip to the Inauguration, rendering Bey unable to prepare for the National Anthem.

She even caused the blackout at the Super Bowl.

But in true Beyoncé form, the former Single Lady wrestled that pesky wandering narrative under her control and kept on singing. Beyoncé cannot be stopped. The only hope is to contain her.

Obama's different. Poor guy can't catch a break.