Confession: I'm a total sucker for Profiles in History's Hollywood memorabilia auctions. I can't actually afford anything in the auctions, mind you*; I just enjoy looking at all the crazy stuff up for sale. This is because I'm a big nerd. Sue me.
Anyway, I was flipping through the new catalog yesterday when I came across the creepiest prop I've ever seen up for sale. We'll get to that in a minute; to get the full sense of revulsion you need to have some semblance of how these auctions proceed. For those of you not in the know, the first day of the auction usually involves vintage photographs, all of which go for rather shockingly high amounts of money. I'm not sure what one does with these photos; display them, I guess? With a one-off lot, such as the one below, that makes some sense:
But if you're bidding on, say, this lot of Peter Lorre portraits—as cool as they are—what would one really do with them? Display them all? I don't quite get it.
After the photos come the props, scripts, posters, etc. Much of it is production-used, though some items are a bit more obscure than others:
I'm pretty sure those chips were only seen in the special edition of the film, not the theatrical cut. But whatevs. Would still be kind of cool to own.
This is probably my favorite "modestly priced" item in this auction:
I would be shocked if that sells for as little as $800. Everyone loves Star Wars stuff; the prices always go high.
Not every item is iconic. Indeed, much of the stuff up for auction come from legitimately terrible films. Consider the following lot:
Could you imagine hanging storyboards from Super Mario Bros. up in your house? Or your office? What would people think?
But that's not the most head-scratching item on the list. It is not even close to the weirdest thing up for sale. No, that distinction goes to a prop from a far superior film, an Oscar-winning film, in fact. One with a huge star and an A-list director. This prop is terrifying—not because it comes from a horror film, mind you. Rather, because it ... well, you'll see:
AHH KILL IT WITH FIRE!
I mean, seriously. There's nothing not creepy about that animatronic "old baby." The wires coming out of it even make it look like it's attached to a rainbow-colored umbilicus. What in God's name would you do with it? Play pranks on people? Put it behind a glass case with a Curious Case of Benjamin Button poster backing it so people didn't think you just had a creepy fetus hanging out in your living room? I'm honestly fascinated by this horrific creation and would like to know the mental state of anyone who throws down $4,000 for that monstrosity.
*I've bid on just one item, a 1940s-era poster advertising a Batman serial that was expected to go for between $200 and $300. It did not sell for that much.