Bachelorette Recap: The Broken Recap

Previously on the Bachelorette: A chiropractor adjusted Desiree; Desiree operated a sno cone truck; Brooks stood up in a canoe; Drew and his father wore subtly matching purple shirts; Desiree sent Zak back to the oil rig.

It's the Men Tell All week, and let me tell y'all this: There is not much telling. This is about five minutes of television stretched into two hours.

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This girl knows what's up here. Prior to the Men Telling All (the King's Men), Chris Harrison informs us that he and Dez traveled the country (Los Angeles and New York) during the actual run of the show to crash people's viewing parties.

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"What if we went up to the window and—no, that’d be creepy," Dez says to Chris, outside this house, their first.

So then they go ahead and do it. Now, clearly, these people knew what was up—especially since there was a camera filming Chris and Dez's entry from inside the house—otherwise, this would have looked like some To Catch A Predator action.

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I believe that baby is wearing a bowtie, and if so, that is adorable. They go about crashing various parties, including this one where these two guys open the door (that party was basically all women):

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Dez meets up, randomly, with other past contestants, including JP and Ashley ("They’re welcoming us with open arms." "And open bars." "Open bars." They're all right.), and Trista from the turn of the century.

"It feels really good to know that these people are really rooting for me," Dez says, which…I mean, she already knows the outcome here.

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When we come back, we're visited by more past Bachelorettes, who advise Desiree about the showcase showdown with the former male contestants at the end. Their expertise, I guess, is that they've spoken to men before.

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We've got Emily there, and then Ali, neither of whose seasons I watched, though I did watch the Bachelor season that Ali exited to return home to her job. All I really remember is that my roommates and I called her Crying Ali. We've also got this girl below who doesn't appear able to speak:

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After that, we finally get to the octagon so the men can start Telling All (the Small Things).

People who are booed:

  • Ben
  • James

People who are cheered:

  • Mikey
  • Zak
  • Juan Pablo
  • Juan Pablo again
  • Juan Pablo always

The redeeming part of this sweep of television is that Juan Pablo is hailed as a good friend, a good father, and an attractive man. It's practically the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where the girl's got "LOVE YOU" written on her eyelids here.

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touch

Jonathan, who Dez booted in the first episode after he tried to sleep with her multiple times, makes an appearance (probably to in some way salvage his reputation).

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Oddly, Jonathan is not booed.

"That’s because no one remembered you," Michael actually announces.

Around this point, we are reintroduced to Desiree. The first shot in the prepared package, I kid you not:

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(Don't worry: Her face is then shown, in case you somehow had forgotten it.)

And then it's time to relive Ben's poor behavior and James and the giant boat party. I mean, I can do it right now in just a few words: Ben's a jerk who brought his young child on television for use in a dating reality show; James, OFF CAMERA, said he might go to a party, on a boat, in Chicago, at some point in the future.

insane

forever

I mean, I just don't know.

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I really don't.

iliad

And then these two?

buffoons

Enough of this. I concede.

The Bachelorette has broken me with Kasey and Michael and their weird obstinance about the rules of the Bachelorette as though it is the Count of Monte Cristo and they will suffer, unyieldingly, in the dark in a prison in Spain because James thought about going to a party at some juncture in his life. A thought crime! And then Zak plays the guitar, and there's somehow more poetry, and what can I tell you? Something broke inside my frontal lobe.

Actually, you know what? America broke me.

I don't even know what to do with today. Anthony Weiner was sexting a woman via Formspring under the alias "Carlos Danger." I don't know what's going on—there aren't enough adjectives.

So, hey, next week on the Bachelorette, there's a two-hour finale that's supposed to be VERY EMOTIONAL. Let's hope so! I hope that bad boy is action-packed. Otherwise, I'm just going to start recapping the ads for Betrayal, which appears to be an entire TV show about that movie where Diane Lane cheats on Richard Gere. I promise to be rejuvenated and ready either way.

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