In the latest mini-episode of the Substandard, Vic, JVL, and myself decided to do an old-man rant about something that really grinds our gears: people who can't behave themselves in movie theaters. After the podcast (subscribe, review, etc.), I shall DEFINITIVELY RANK the three worst type of moviegoers.
3. Loud talkers/eaters
So, obviously, people who talk loudly during movies are disgusting garbage people who should be shunned by polite society. I don't think we really need to dwell on their terribleness. Less frequently, but more annoyingly, you have loud eaters. The loud eater comes in two different forms. You have the loud-chewers—the slurpers, the guzzlers, the smackers, the people who think that just because the lights are down they're free to chew with their mouths open like verminous bog people.
And then you have the fiddlers. These are the people who crinkle their bags of candy and shake their sodas filled with ice. The fiddlers are in their own way even more annoying, in part because you often get the sense that they're trying to be more courteous—slowly opening a bag of candy in order to reduce the noise. Unfortunately, performing the operation slowly just prolongs the agony: Rip it open, like you'd rip off a Band-Aid.
2. Cell Phone Users
You may be shocked this isn't number one (at least, until you read who is number one). But, obviously, theaters and cell phones don't mix: It's a dark room and a bright light, people. C'mon. In a very real way, stadium seating—which is generally amazing and has really helped the moviegoing experience—has greatly exacerbated this problem. Because when some dunce in the front rows—and it's always some dunce in the front rows; a lazy, rude person who showed up late so he had to get a bad seat—is checking their InstaTubes or whatever, everyone behind him can see the goddamn thing light up. If you use a cell phone in a movie theater, ushers should be allowed to drop Acme anvils on your head from the ceiling.
1. People Who Bring Small Children to Age-Inappropriate Screenings
There are two types of age-inappropriate screenings.
The first has to do with the content of the film: If you bring a small child to a movie theater that is showing an R-rated movie, you are history's greatest monster. I don't care if it's a comic book movie or if it's something you think they should see. People who bring, like, an eight-year-old kid to Logan or Deadpool or whatever should be thrown in a tiger cage and left to fend off the river rats.
The second type of inappropriate has to do with the timing of the screening: If you take a little kid to a movie that starts after 7 or 8—meaning that they'll be awake by 9 or 10—you are just asking for trouble. I don't care if your sitter canceled or you can't afford one: You just don't go. I'm sorry. Them's the breaks. At the Wonder Woman screening I attended there was a two-year-old girl who started crying around 8 or so—and who can blame her! She's way too young for the movie and also she's a little kid who is probably tired.
Note: I do not blame the children for this. I don't think they're awful. I just think they've been cursed with awful parents. Don't be like them.